Are We All in Recovery?

I have spent most of my life dodging addiction.

Multiple family members on both my parents’ sides of the family were or are addicts ― alcoholics, drug addicts, love addicts, sex addicts, workaholics. The list goes on. I value boundaries and I do not want to publicly share personal stories without consent. But for the purposes of this blog, it is important to say that I understand the struggles of addiction. 

Growing up, we had many conversations as a family about the importance of establishing healthy life patterns. My parents spent many days and evenings talking to me and my younger brother about addiction, and warning us about the dangers of it. This meant I spent many hours in my teens and my 20s worrying about what kind of relationship with alcohol I should have, if any, and staying mindful about possibly unhealthy behaviors. At age 23, I went to therapy for the first time because my career was going well, but my relationships were not, and I wanted to understand why. I also wanted to make sure I stayed on a positive life path, heeding my parents’ wisdom while I worked to build a happy, healthy life.

It’s safe to say, I feared addiction. Its threat loomed over most of my life. But that’s because I didn’t really understand it until I got closer to it. I bumped up against my own addictive behaviors, like workaholism and normalized-yet-problematic social drinking. I always came back to a level of consciousness where I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it. For example, I drank because I wanted to socialize and didn’t yet know how to set boundaries. Or I threw myself into work because I didn’t know how else to deal with emotional pain and a certain amount of achievements helped me create a false sense of self-esteem. As I bumped up against shadowy behaviors and situations, I worked hard to stay mindful, lest I fall into mysterious ancestral traps.

I was so scared of losing myself and my life to addiction that working to avoid it defined my life in a way that I didn't quite know how to talk about openly. I just knew I wanted to have a great life, whatever that meant. Driven by the fear of tragedy, bad relationships and difficult circumstances of my ancestors, I immersed myself in the study of how to create health and happiness. By my mid-20s, I spent much of my time after work learning about psychology, spirituality, philosophy, holistic health, self-help, and more. I was determined to better understand human behavior ― its gifts and its curses ― and the nature of being human. I wanted to understand why some people are successful after growing up in difficult circumstances, while other people suffer and meander.

I also began making major life decisions, if sometimes unpopular or painful, to create a healthier, happier life. I chose jobs that allowed me to have work-life balance, which meant saying no to some very exciting roles and opportunities that would demand more of me than I was willing to give. I stopped going to bars on a regular basis, since nothing good usually came of those nights, especially after college; I also became sober curious. As I thought about the kind of life I wanted to build and the kind of partner I needed, I specifically chose lovers who were on a healing or spiritual journey of some kind and wanted to be mindful in most or all aspects of life. And I cut out relationships with friends or acquaintances whose behaviors were that of either full-blown addicts or people marinating in levels of unconsciousness and toxicity that did not mesh with what I was striving for.

Creating health and happiness can be a life-long study. But keep in mind, I have also been studying why addiction happens, whether stress and emotions contribute to disease states, and what causes suffering. What I have learned is that trauma often underlies addiction. The most helpful definition of addiction I have ever heard was from a retired doctor in recovery. “Addiction is what we do to hide from our truth,” he said in a professorial tone. He believes this definition covers everything from compulsive technology use to drugs or alcohol to porn. This helped me understand the behavior of people who ranged from official addicts to those who have walked varying levels of unconsciousness. Related to addiction, the definition of trauma is just as broad, referring to events both large and small, which explains the ranges of problems that can be found in all kinds of people ― myself included. As we understand trauma and mental health more deeply as a society, we are asking smarter questions about the effects of connection and relationships on addiction.

This means that recovery is a much broader concept than people might think. One therapist, Jon Taylor, said during an interview that all addiction recovery is about reclaiming who you are ― what you want, what you need, and what you stand for. It’s not necessarily about abstaining from bad behavior. It is about living an authentic, satisfying life.

"Recovery is not about what we are NOT doing,” he said. “Recovery is about taking a clearly delineated stance on your principles and values, and living in accordance with that. It's not just stopping what is bad. It is creating something wonderful that you are a part of."

Does this mean that we’re all in recovery? If addiction is rooted in hiding from truth, and trauma of all kinds can cause disturbances, then maybe far more people are in recovery than we think. Addiction and trauma are often hidden because they are rooted in shame and shadows, especially in a society that encourages people to perform for each other and project images of perfection. Shame and shadows force us to falsely believe that we are different and separate from others, when so often we are more alike than different, in both our desires and our dramas. We can be in recovery from bad relationships, dysfunctional families, abusive bosses or workplaces, or patterns like addiction intertwining with any number of these things. We can be in recovery from painful belief systems, from an illness, or from heartbreak. We can be in recovery from a harmful religion or culture. We can be in recovery from society, too.

Yoga philosophy asserts that the entire 5,000-year-old practice is meant to bring stability and peace to the mind. For thousands of years, human beings have been struggling with their minds. I truly believe we are all recovering from something. Some journeys require more warriorship and strength than others. But, as spiritual teacher and psychologist Ram Dass says, “We are all just walking each other home.” Meaning, be kind, because we are all dealing with something difficult. We are all looking for as much joy, love and peace as humanly possible.